There is a thick line between being self-critical and inherently knowing what is wrong with you. The former should be avoided; the latter should be welcomed. The former is negative, self-perpetuating, self-sabotaging, and anxiety based; the latter has the potential to be a profound catalyst of positive change.

Although it is common for us to be critical of ourselves, it is not as common for us to know what is really wrong with ourselves. The two should not be confused with one another.

Unfortunately, most of us find it easy to criticize ourselves. We criticize ourselves for our physical appearance. We criticize ourselves about our social interactions with others; we feel embarrassed about things we have said during a social interaction and we criticize our performance and value in our existing relationships.

Adults who raise children constantly doubt whether or not they are a good parent. Those in a sexual relationship – or a potentially sexual relationship – focus on their physical insecurities. People feel afraid about losing their job when they feel stressed, make a mistake, or the moment their work performance begins to suffer even the slightest bit. Adults who care for an elderly parent doubt the decisions they make regarding their loved one’s healthcare; especially end-of-life decisions. We tell ourselves we are ugly, a bad person, a failure, not good or deserving enough, etc. We never forgive ourselves for past wrongdoings that – we believe – altered our desired life path; and for this reason, we hate ourselves.

We constantly engage in the comparison of ourselves with that of other people whether it be about our looks, social status, work performance, financial status, overall life satisfaction, or intelligence. We undermine our own achievements. We unknowingly set unrealistic expectations for ourselves; and, as a result, nothing we do is good enough.

We all feel like we are alone in this experience. We think that other people are leading eventful lives. Some of us develop “FOMO” (fear of missing out). As a result, we feel depressed or even begin to make social decisions that are not in alignment with our authentic self; just for sake of “keeping up” or “not missing out”.

These thoughts do not just come and go. We ruminate on them. And it does not take long until we attach these thoughts to our identity.

Now we have become these thoughts.

Nothing seems to satisfy these thoughts either. No matter how much we change our looks, there will always be something that we wish looked differently. No matter how much effort we put into being the best caregiver, the moment we experience any setback, we revert back to putting ourselves down. We never feel truly comfortable about our job security. We continue to hide certain parts of our body to the person we choose to have sex with. To us, our past wrongdoings are unforgiveable; they make us undeserving in the present.

We believe these thoughts. No one can convince us otherwise. If they try to, we think they are just being nice to try to make us feel better.

We do this to ourselves all while trying to be less hard on ourselves. We recite positive affirmations that are directly correlated with our deepest insecurities. We try to focus on the positive. We try to be aware of our thoughts; we identify and either discard or change all negative thoughts that enter our mind. To us, negative thoughts are thoughts about anything negative; especially if it has to do with ourselves.

Although not all bad, this mindset also has the potential to hinder growth because it denies everything negative; and nothing human is perfect.

Some of us try the “fake it until you make it” method. And, although all habits are formed through consistent repetition, rejecting the imperfect part of you cannot be healthy either. Because, regardless of what you think of it, it is a part of you; ignoring it, avoiding it, denying it, fearing it, hating it, nor remaining oblivious to it, does not make it go away.

So what is wrong with us? Most likely, it is not anything that we already consistently criticize ourselves about. In fact, those are the things that we should most likely be gentler on ourselves with.  

It is the pathological personality trait that we have most likely developed in childhood. This is much different from the aforementioned self-criticism. This is deeply ingrained in us. It does not take on the form of anxiety that self-criticism does. It is a dark place that – unlike self-criticism – we tend not to discuss with ourselves or others. It does not reveal itself through our conscious thoughts. Instead, it manifests subconsciously through our pathological behaviors that are directly responsible for inhibiting our growth and happiness; our success.

Deep down, some of us already know what this means for us. Whether we choose to admit it or not, or act on trying to heal from it or not, some of us know exactly when it began. The moment we began to feel unloved, unsafe, unseen, and/or unheard. The moment we learned how women treat men, and how men treat women. And the moment we learned how we should act: by example.

Some people are completely clueless; that does not mean theirs does not exist, however.

Discovering what is wrong with you is not as automatic as feeling insecure, anxious, or afraid regarding social constructs and interactions. It is also not as easy as thinking negatively.

Discovering what is wrong with you requires brutal self-honesty and deep introspection. It requires us to engage in deep thought about our childhood and past hardships; thus determining how it may be maladaptively affecting our character in the present.

This is not to be confused with the victim role. It is about being honest with yourself of the role you play in the continuum of the cycle of generational trauma; it requires taking responsibility.

Many human beings waste so much of their time feeling insecure, anxious, or afraid in areas they should not, but fail to rectify that one thing that they should. If someone points it out to us, we become defensive and deny it; especially if it reveals that we possess similar traits to someone we have not yet forgiven from our past.

However, this is nothing that we should ever be ashamed of. In fact, having this deep sense of knowing yourself should be celebrated – regardless of whether or not we have healed from it OR regardless of whether or not we have rectified the subsequent maladaptive behavior – because it is a profound step in the right direction. Being transparent with yourself about your deep seeded issue requires an immense amount of strength and humility.

This is something to be proud of.

Additionally, chances are that your self-criticisms are merely symptoms of your shadow self. And, in becoming more familiar with, gaining understanding of, and developing compassion for your shadow self, you will naturally begin to see your self-criticisms for what they actually are.

Instead of blindly believing your self-criticisms, attaching them to your identity, and allowing them to make you feel weighed down, you will be able to identify them as deeply ingrained symptoms of your programming.

This perception shift of your self-criticisms will make it that much easier to detach yourself from them. Although they might not completely go away, we will be more able to view them as an outside observer; we can now analyze them.

We are all one in the human experience. Nothing human is perfect. Any human being who claims perfection is losing. Any human being who leads their life pointing out other people’s faults is, in essence, claiming perfection.

So let’s be a little more gentle with each other, and ourselves.

There is just so much to say. I will continue later. Thank you for reading.