Sometimes certain things should be said, or certain messages should be believed, but we hesitate to do so because of the societal meaning that has been attached to that message. The truth is that – for many messages – the problem is not the message itself, but the meaning that has been attached to it.

Human beings have a tendency to attach meaning and labels to things in a way that closes the door to creating new – authentic – meaning; a meaning that could foster growth.

Original meanings that have been attached are usually done mindlessly; it is automatic. We believe in the meaning because society has already created it and attached it, before we even have a chance to contemplate what it means to us. So we grow up learning it, believing it, and attaching it; without questioning it.

Why is the phrase, “It’s not you, it’s me”, more common than, “It’s not me, it’s you”?

Most people might argue that the phrase, “It’s not you, it’s me”, is more polite and politically correct; even if the other person is the wrongdoer.

However, it is more common for us to feel the exact opposite. We usually choose to distance ourselves from someone because of something they have said or done that does not resonate well deep within us.

But the phrase, “It’s not me, it’s you”, is not as popular as it’s alternative.

Most people might argue that it is impolite, rude, or unkind. Some would even go as far as to say it might hurt the other person’s feelings, and of course we mustn’t do THAT (even if it represents our authentic feelings).

So, we end up going out of our way to express inauthentic feelings to others for sake of not being “mean”.

But there exists a silent danger to this pattern of denying our authentic thoughts for sake of being “nice”, politically correct, or socially appropriate.

Because sometimes, over time, we begin to believe our words. Sometimes, over time, these popular catch phrases and socially programmed ideologies – whether we outwardly say them or not – are absorbed into our subconscious…

…And we begin to take things personally when they shouldn’t be.

We live in a society that is hypersensitive. We live in a society in which many people have more of a tendency to take things personally, as opposed to seeing the situation simply for what it is.

Although we are one in the human experience and we all equally contribute to the collective, we are all unique and individualized in the sense that we have all experienced slightly different variations of programming due to our upbringing.

We were all born into different families that have different lifestyles with varying degrees of generational trauma. We all grew up facing different challenges and life experiences. As a result, it is only natural – and inevitable – that we all have different opinions and beliefs. Whether our beliefs are due to programming or mostly authentic as a result of a personal awakening does not change the fact that they are different. Although the latter option is typically healthier and more evolved, we do not view it as superior as if to devalue the life of others.

So if we already know that we are all unique, why do we live as if we expect others to always agree with us? If someone does not agree with something that we feel strongly about, why do we become so easily offended as if it is a personal attack? And why do we take it so personally when someone “wrongs us”?

Given our varied life circumstances, expecting all human beings to feel, think, and act the same way is blatantly unrealistic.

When someone else treats us poorly, we often internalize it; we believe that the source of the problem lies within us. Or, after someone treat us negatively, we begin to manifest negative feelings within ourselves.  

But the truth is that it is not your fault; it is theirs.

And that should be okay to say and feel. It does not signify that you are rude or impolite. It also does not signify that you believe you are perfect and everyone else needs to change, because everyone is in need of some form of improvement. No one is exempt from this; including you.

When a person openly says or does something that isn’t kind (the doer) – especially if it is directed toward another human being (the receiver) –  it often ignites negative emotions in the receiver. The emotions it inflicts can vary from sadness, anger, resentment, hatred, etc. Sometimes the receiver develops feelings of unworthiness; their self-esteem begins to suffer.

In more extreme cases, the receiver will begin to make subtle changes about themself that does not align with their authentic self nor resonate with their soul; for sake of fitting in with the doer’s expectations. Eventually, the receiver begins to experience internal conflict because they are now living to please someone else, all while putting their authentic self on the back burner.

They eventually begin to feel as if their spirit is broken. None of their efforts seem to work. They might have moments in which they do not recognize themselves anymore; they feel lost as if they have forgotten who they truly are. This is one form of soul pain.

However, this transfer of negative energy from the doer to the receiver usually occurs only because the receiver takes the actions of the doer personally. They believe that the wrongdoing is unique for them. They eventually begin to believe that if they were somehow different in one way or another, the doer would cease all negativity and the health of the relationship will improve.

But this is never the case. A wrongdoing is never personal to the receiver. It always and only has everything to do with the doer.

This concept also applies to acquaintances; even total strangers. Many of us have experienced moments at work, in traffic, at school, or anywhere else in public in which someone says or does something that ignites some form of negativity within ourselves. These negative experiences can make us feel upset and put us in a “bad mood”.

This chain reaction of negativity is pointless – it holds no validity –  because it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them.

And again, that does not exclude you.

The truth: when anyone thinks, says, or does anything negative toward another person (or an entire group of people) it is a direct reflection of their current internal state, their attachment to their programming, and their residual past trauma. Conversely, when you think, say, or do anything negative toward another person (or an entire group of people) it is a direct reflection of your current internal state, your attachment to your programming, and your own residual past trauma.

Everyone has experienced challenges and hardships throughout their lifetime, but not everyone responds to their challenges and hardships the same way. And, in a sense, that is their own business. It is their personal right. It is their free will. As a result of free will, everyone has varying levels of emotional and spiritual maturity, self-awareness, and states of consciousness.

Where someone is in their life path is completely up to them. And, at times, that may feel frustrating; especially if we feel the “solution” is so clear to us. But the act of trying to change someone – even if we believe it would be to their benefit – is never helpful to them; and it hurts you.

It is not your job to get other people’s approval and validation. It is also not your job to fix people.

It is not other people’s job to give you approval and validation. It is not other people’s job to fix you.

It is your responsibility, however, to focus on yourself with the best of intentions; to strive for self-improvement, build self-love, and embrace the expression of your authentic self with the utmost acceptance (even if it is not accepted well amongst others).

Whether or not people like your authentic self should not be your worry. It is your responsibility to give yourself that validation.

Moreover, this perception shift is essential; the deep inner knowing that someone else’s thoughts, feelings, and actions are a direct result of them. You will always and only be responsible for your own thoughts, feelings, and actions; healing and happiness.

A person’s actions act as a window to their soul. A person’s actions create a transparency to their vulnerabilities. A person’s actions allow others to witness how healed (or not healed) they are from their personal demons.

The moment you internalize this –

We are all on a different path. We all have free will; this is our right. As a result, we all have varying levels of awareness and states of consciousness. Some of us will evolve and some of us will not. Some of us will break our generational trauma, some of us will not. Some of us will get to a certain point in our personal evolution and stop, some of us will get very far and never stop, and some of us will remain stuck in the same state of mind that stems from our programming and childhood. Therefore every thought, feeling, and action of each individual is a direct connection to that individual’s current and unique state of being

 –  is when the burdens that you once placed on yourself will dissolve. You will no longer feel responsible for other people’s drama. You will not feel dependent upon the approval and validation of others to feel worthy. You will now find no reason to take things that other people say or do personally.

This is also when you begin to feel less of a necessity to become angry or hurt by someone else’s thoughts, feelings, words, or actions. Even if they are intentionally directed toward you. Even if the other person tells us we are to blame.

This deep inner knowing creates a profound inner peace. This inner peace is powerful.

Old resentments and anger that we have built up for so long will now feel meaningless. We are now above it; the shift from subjective to objective has been made.

We now find ourselves unable to be manipulated. We are able to look at our wrongdoers with transparency in knowing that they are still stuck in the stage of blaming others and not taking accountability for their actions and happiness. We know that they have yet to be honest with themselves. They have yet to self-reflect. They have not engaged in the shadow work that is necessary in order to discover the root of what is inhibiting them from self-love.

This is a very powerful state of being. Not only do we know our truth, but we also – in a way – know their truth; sometimes when they do not even realize it yet for themselves.

When you master this concept, you begin to feel compassion for these people. You do not agree with their ways, but you are not spiteful nor carry hatred in your heart toward them. You do not wish that karma will come back around to “bite them”.

More importantly, you do not sacrifice yourself in attempt to “help” or “change” them; you do not carry their burden. You also do not pity them.

You respect their free will from a safe distance; with a powerful knowing in your heart.

You hope that they too, one day, will find the strength to do the work that is necessary in order to love and accept the source of their inner child – their authentic self – that was once rejected or dismissed. Because, in the end, everyone deserves this.

This frame of mind – focusing on yourself, respecting the free will of others, not taking things personally, and wishing the best for everyone without the carrying burden of being the catalyst for their change – does not equate with selfishness.

Contrary to popular belief, the concept of always being “nice” – always helping and worrying about others – inevitably puts your own self on the sidelines because it utilizes a lot of your energy for the sake of other people; whether they ask it of you or not.

This ultimately creates stress, burnout, and resentment.

Those who are in the process of a deep and personal evolution will naturally look at others with love and compassion in their heart, without the burden of becoming unhealthily attached. Their love and compassion is not only reserved for those who they already like, those who are similar to them, or those whose lifestyle and beliefs they “approve” of. Since their internal state of being resonates with love and acceptance, they will naturally view those around them through these lens.

You see, a lot of people live their lives trying to be viewed as “nice” by others. They try to “fix” and “help” others, but their internal state is usually somewhat contrary to their actions. This occurs often with people who have a difficult time setting boundaries or saying ‘no’. As a result, their external actions are – in essence – ineffective because they do not resonate with their internal state. They feel negative emotions on the inside (resentment, burnout, regret, frustration, stress, etc.) usually due to the fact that they feel – whether it is consciously or subconsciously – somewhat resentful because they are suppressing their authentic self for the sake of others.

But, much of the time, no one is asking them to do this; they are not doing anyone a favor. They unintentionally created this drama for themselves solely due to their inaccurate perception of how to give, receive, and feel love.

The concept, “It’s not me, it’s you” is more symbolic of a profound perception shift that not only releases unnecessary burdens that we tend to place on ourselves, but also allows room for self-love and compassion for others. It gives us the opportunity to detach ourselves from the chain of negativity; it frees our spirit from toxic entanglements.

So no, we do not go around telling other people that everything is their fault. We gently say this to ourselves, in our heart. We also do not say it condescendingly. We say it out of self-love, compassion, and respect for the free will of others; whether or not their choices resonate with ours. And we move on in life, never ceasing to work on ourselves.

We can now release ourselves from responsibilities that are not our own to bear. We can now step aside and respect the free will of others.

Something we would want in return.

There is just so much to say. I will continue later. Thank you for reading.