The ability to forgive and the ability to let go of the past go hand in hand with one another. And our relationship with both concepts is usually that of love-hate. The act of forgiving and letting go of the past is by far one of the healthiest things we can do for ourselves; yet they are the two things we tend to resist most in life. Some people tell themselves (and others) that it is impossible to do; this will never be true. For the possibly of doing either of these things is not dependent upon the range of severity of the personal situation, the possibility of doing either of these things relies upon one’s willingness to do so. Although it is very difficult to forgive someone or let go of the past, it is never impossible – regardless of the personal situation – because the act of forgiving and letting go of the past is an internal phenomenon that our outer reality has no bearing to.
On a side note, life should not be a pissing contest* of who had the most difficult past. No one wins by advertising their past hardships as unsurpassable; as if the prize was pity. Also, the past does not control nor define us; who we are is up to us to decide. No one wins by blaming their past for their poor character. The victim role is a popular role to adopt because it is easy and comfortable; it challenges us to the same degree that it benefits us.
Many people utilize their past hardships to their “advantage” by using their past as an excuse to remain mentally, emotionally, and spiritually stagnant. Whether this is done intentionally or unintentionally does not matter because, as conscious beings, it should always be our goal to evolve in a way that best serves us and – ultimately – the collective. Living a life void of growth – choosing the path of least resistance – is a façade; although it requires the least amount of hard work on your end, your outer reality becomes a direct reflection of the internal turmoil that this path causes. And those who adopt the victim mentality do not prosper due to their mentality, but they tend to outwardly proclaim how unlucky they are.
Forgiving and letting go of the past is not easy to do, so a lot of people refuse to try. However, adopting the victim mentality does not have to be the only alternative way of thought. There exists a middle road that, although does not reap the benefits that forgiving and letting go of the past offer, transcends above the stagnancy of playing the victim card your whole life; and it still leaves room for hope of future growth.
The ability to be humble and vulnerable enough to admit that forgiving a particular person or letting go of the past is a particularly difficult challenge for you at the moment is a step in the right direction; it is a sign of inner wisdom, good insight, humility, and strength. With this perspective, you are not blaming other people or outside factors for your inability to move forward. Instead, you are able to realize that overcoming this challenge involves you, and only you.
The unwillingness to forgive someone – as well as the unwillingness to let go of the past – prevents us from ever experiencing emotional, mental, and spiritual freedom. Always, life naturally has its ups and downs. Without the mental, emotional, and spiritual “baggage”, we are in more alignment with the present; we have more clarity. As a result, we are better equipped to embrace the inevitable rhythmic pattern of the universe; the “good” and the “bad” moments. Furthermore, the absence of lingering negativity – feelings of resentment, sadness, regret, and anger – allows us the opportunity to evolve and transcend. Because then, there is nothing holding us back.
There exists a common misconception regarding forgiveness. We do not forgive people for hurting us so they can be happier; forgiving them is not you doing them a favor. On the other hand, we should not refuse to forgive someone simply for the sake of “making it known” how badly they hurt us. This tactic is not effective as it does not negatively affect them to the degree that it has a direct negative impact on you. In fact, this tactic – although commonly used – tends to have an effect that is quite opposite to what we originally had planned, and the person who which we hold anger in our heart towards moves forward with their life with – what seems to be – little to no remorse. All the while we so stubbornly hold on to feelings of resentment and contempt.
What most of us do not realize is that forgiving someone does not mean we have to necessarily start liking this person’s character and/or tendencies. Furthermore, forgiving someone does not mean we have to start talking to them again. In fact, it is not even necessary to tell them that you forgive them. This is important to realize especially since some of us are challenged to forgive a person who has not changed, will never change, and cannot completely disappear out of your life either because you share children with them, they are an immediate family relative, etc.
But it does require symbolically letting them go with grace; in knowing that their personality and life choices are not your responsibility to bear. Knowing that, although they do not possess the qualities of a person that you admire, their existence in this life is one to be respected on the most fundamental level in which all creation has purpose and meaning. This way, you are able to continue on your own life’s journey without their story disrupting your path moving forward. They exist, and that is good, but you are no longer affected by them.
Forgiving ourselves for something we have done – or for the person we used to be – in the past can be especially challenging. Some of us have “skeletons” in our closet; things we have done in the past that we feel so shameful about that we plan to go our entire lives never telling a soul. Our internal conflict can be especially unsettling if we feel that our lives would have been different – would have been better – if we never made that mistake in the past. If someone hurts us, although painful, there is some comfort in knowing that we ourselves did not inflict the pain. However, when we are the person responsible for something so shameful, embarrassing, or painful, we sometimes live out the rest of our lives with feelings of regret. This causes us to be especially hard on ourselves; sometimes to the point of self-hate. Similar to the unwillingness to forgive another, the refusal to forgive ourselves inhibits us from reaching our full potential.
Unlike what a lot of people think, the problem is not the horrible thing you did nor the horrible person you used to be. Because if this were true, there would be no hope for change. However, everything is in a constant state of change and evolution whether you actively choose to join or not. Furthermore, you cannot go back in time and relive your past experience, making different choices. If you are symbolically waiting for this to happen in order for you to feel better, then you are self-loathing.
In actuality, the problem lies in the angle in which you perceive your past. Think about it: most of us know – or have known – at least one person who is pathological; they inflict pain, confusion, and discomfort on others with, what seems to be, zero remorse. Their lack of empathy allows them to move through life with ease, despite how poorly they treat others, because they rely on blaming others; manipulating others to feel accountable for their own pathological tendencies. These people usually go their entire lives never believing they are toxic.
If you regret your past wrongdoings – if you feel responsible and accountable – this is growth. It is a sign of emotional maturity and strength. This is a good thing.
Dwelling on the past, something you will never be able to physically go back to and change, prevents you from further growth.
Forgiving yourself for things that you feel are unforgivable is not you excusing the actions themselves, it is acknowledging your willingness to evolve. This is not an easy thing to do. If it were, more people would do it. In fact, you should be proud of yourself.
There is just so much to say. I will continue later. Thank you for reading.
*(vulgar, slang) A pointless competition, dispute, or conflict, often over some trivial matter (http://en.m.wiktionary.org, 22 March 2023).