A lot of people are very good at giving other people advice about a life situation that causes them stress. A lot of people have the ability to assess another person’s life and immediately formulate suggestions on how and what they should change in order to feel happier; in order to be well. We are able to look at their problems with total clarity – from a broader perspective –  and the solution feels obvious to us. We feel frustrated when the solution does not seem obvious to them. We sometimes get frustrated when that person continues to come to us for advice about the same issue but they never initiate change. We tell them how – we believe – they should proceed in a way that demonstrates inner wisdom, emotional maturity, clarity, and confidence. We tell other people to leave their abusive partner, we tell other people to try not to sweat the small stuff, we tell other people to give their children more praise alongside the criticism, we tell other people that their friend is toxic, we tell people they should take better care of their health, etc. We are good at giving other people advice. We genuinely mean it when we give important advice to someone in need; we feel it in our being. We know it is the right thing to do.

Furthermore, we do not even need someone to ask us for advice for us to think of what someone else should be doing differently in their life. We can just simply know a person, or even look at another person, and we are immediately able to identify their shortcomings. For most people, the act of observing and critiquing someone else’s lifestyle comes easily and naturally. So naturally, that sometimes we do not even realize we are doing it nor do we believe it is wrong. We make light of it and even have fun with it; aka “people watching”. When we negatively critique someone else without love in our heart we are, in essence, judging. When it comes to other lives that our not our own, we have all the answers. Whether we realize it or not – because most of us are set on autopilot pilot mode and fall victim to automaticity with no original thought nor heightened awareness – most of us critique and judge other people throughout the day. We do this to both people we personally know and people who we will never personally know. We do this to both people we see in person and people who we have never seen in person. We do this on both the micro and macro level. We judge family and friends, acquaintances, and strangers in public. We judge people whom we will only see on our electronics (i.e. celebrities and politicians). We judge the opposite sex, entire cultures, and religions. We judge people solely based on their age or how they look. We sometimes even go as far as to judge entire countries.

Telling other people what they should change and judging others for what they do wrong comes very easily for a lot of people, but telling ourselves what we should change does not come as easily. It especially becomes difficult if someone else is telling us what we should change about ourselves, even if we know in our gut that they are right. When we turn our attention inward, we do not possess the same clarity that we have when we give advice to someone else and, instead, we allow our subjectivity – our personal dependencies, biases, insecurities, pride, denials, and fears – to act as a blockage to genuine and humble insight.  

Every day we engage in activities that involve critiquing other people: we gossip, we look at people and judge them in our thoughts, and we use up a lot of our energy trying to help others with our valuable advice and “unbreakable” support. Some people even pride themselves as being someone who everyone comes to for advice; they believe it is a quality about them that is impressive. But this will only render as impressive if the individual themselves lives by example; if they lead a life of inner wisdom that involves a heightened sense of self-awareness, a higher state of consciousness, and a continuous desire for personal growth and development. And, unfortunately, this is rarely the case. A person who exhausts a lot of their own energy critiquing, judging, and “helping” others usually has skeletons in their own closet that they either avoid, become defensive about, or adopt a victim mentality to. And, sometimes, pointing out other people’s faults makes them feel better; it provides them with a false sense of security.

There exists a life truth that a lot of people struggle to accept: People are only capable of change if they – themselves –  organically want to change. People cannot be purely convinced to change. Furthermore, if someone does not change “for you” it is not a reflection of your worth; or as most people perceive it, a lack thereof. And, since a lot of us have a difficult time accepting this as reality, too many of us have a tendency to hold on to unhealthy relationships.

You, I, nor anyone else is “Captain Save-A-Hoe”; it is not our duty nor our responsibility to maintain a relationship with another person simply because they need us. It is not our job to spend our time and exhaust our energy on people who emotionally depend on us to be their listening ear when they want to vent, gossip, cry, complain, or yell about an ongoing situation in their life of which they never initiate any action toward positive change. We all know, or have known, someone like this. These are the type of people who chronically complain, adopt the victim role, and blame other people and situations for their “bad luck”. These are the people who prefer to talk, rather than listen. These are the people who would react defensively if you were honest with them and told them how you really felt. These are the people who would feel satisfied and be your best friend if you were disciplined in adhering to their flow.

Many of us are best friends with these people. Many of us are in romantic relationships with these people whether we are dating them, engaged to them, or are married to them. They also exist in our family. Unfortunately, most people feel trapped in these types of relationships and they hold on to the illusion that they cannot end the relationship either because the relationship has longevity (i.e. “childhood friends”), they have children with the person, they are legally binded to the person through marriage or property ownership, or the person is an immediate family member.

Ever since we were small children, we have been programmed by society – both by the media and the already programmed adults that surrounded us – about the importance of friendships and helping others. So much so that many of us grew up believing the following: the more friendships we make the better, the longer the friendship means the more valuable it is, more networking leads to more success, and family is blood, therefore family always comes first.

Now I am not proposing that we lead a life without love, nor am I proposing that we strive for separateness and total isolation. However, children are never taught about the importance and inevitability of ending relationships. And, in a world that exists both love and toxicity, this seems to be an unrealistic approach to social and emotional education as it can lead people to feel as if something is inherently wrong with them if things do not go as perfectly as imagined; which, in turn, leads to low self-worth and lack of healthy boundaries.

There is a reason why so many people have a difficult time saying “no” to others; it has a taboo connotation to it, and there is a reason for that. There is also a reason why many adults stay in relationships that are not good for their soul, and it is not because we are weak. In cartoons and children’s books, for example, the bully usually ends up realizing they were wrong – or there was an “understandable” reason for why the bully was angry and acted out in the first place – and everyone goes back to being friends in the end. But this is not always the case in real life, and a lot of bullies go their entire lives without ever taking accountability for their toxicity and, because of this, the ability to end a relationship should not be perceived as negative. In fact, relationships naturally come and go as it is an integral part of the life cycle and the personal evolutionary process. Choosing to end a relationship after genuine consideration should never be taboo, regardless of how long you have known them or how involved you are with them (i.e. marriage, children, property ownership, etc.).

Because the ability to acknowledge when it is time to let go is healthy.

There is just so much to say. I will continue later. Thank you.